As an individual, I will always contend with some form of internal battle.
And although I have become infinitely better at managing it, this has not always been the case.
It also does not mean that I no longer feel the overwhelming burden of these same mental and emotional struggles from time to time.
Reflecting on my own journey thus far, an important factor in my being where I am today is my relationships.
Speaking specifically about the relationship with my wife, it was definitely something that developed over time.
In fact, I would say the dynamic of an exclusive relationship was actually an additional source of inner turmoil for me than it was a source of relief.
I think that this is natural, given my ineptness at effectively dealing with my emotions to begin with.
What further complicates things is the idea of two young individuals in their early twenties declaring their intentions to share their lives together, without really knowing themselves very well, let alone each other.
I have found that it is difficult enough as it is to become emotional mature on one’s own and damn-near impossible to do it with another person.
It has brought me to consider what it actually means to be someone’s partner.
When I think about sharing my life with someone, the usual images spring to mind.
Spending time with one another, sharing common interests, travelling abroad, becoming a family, growing old together.
And these might be all the positive, happy situations that come up, but being in a relationship does not simply constitute what might be considered fun and joyous.
When my wife and I agreed to begin dating some fifteen years ago, it wasn’t just about creating wonderful memories together. I was naïve to the fact that it was to take on everything that we each brought to the table, warts-and-all, as they say.
It is the kind of love that is often recited during wedding ceremonies — that is, unconditional.
Only in recent years have I understood — and begun to accept — what this truly means.
Looking back, she has played a vital role in my journey to being able to find a sense of peace within myself.
Sure, there were aspects that we both stumbled into, but also many which were wholly intentional as well.
As I have said time and again, an intimate and exclusive relationship is an incredible teacher.
So it is with hindsight, observation, contemplation, and innumerable missteps that I am beginning to understand what it means to be someone’s partner.
I believe the role of a partner is, to the extent of one’s capability, to bear the burden that the other feels to be unbearable.
This, of course, will be different for each individual and circumstance.
To share an example, it took my about six years from deciding I wanted to leave my corporate career to actually exiting.
There were absolutely practical elements to this decision — i.e. ensuring I was financially prepared and responsible, having a clear plan and approach after leaving my nine-to-five, etc.
There were also mental barriers that I needed to personally overcome.
I had a lot of stress and anxiety surrounding the move from my stable corporate career into the unknown.
Certainly, there were stories surrounding financial security and the need to provide for the family.
I also wrestled with what it means to be a ‘man’ in today’s society and the status one must necessarily hold in order to command the respect of others.
All of this I still wrangle with today.
For a long time, I hesitated to bring up the topic with my wife. I was afraid of what she might think of me. It didn’t help that I would catastrophise in my mind every possible way it could result in something negative, uncomfortable, or untenable.
But the moment I finally raised it in conversation, without faltering, as if it wasn’t even something that needed contemplation, she said, “absolutely, go for it.”
Just like that, almost reflexively, she was able to lift from my shoulders decades-worth of internal angst and unrest.
This is just one example of many, and they are not all necessarily to the same degree, yet the impact is much the same, irrespective of what the act might be.
It could be taking the reins to prepare a meal and cleaning up afterwards.
Or it could be becoming a full-time, personal carer for your partner.
Just as one’s perception of what constitutes hardship is subjective, so too, is impact of one’s actions.
What my wife has done for me is give me space.
By doing this, she helped form a foundation which has given me the opportunity to effectively support myself with my mental and emotional struggles.
As human beings, we each have our plates full with a plethora of noise and stimulus. It is difficult enough to cope with all that life constantly throws at us, let alone avoid being swallowed whole.
A good partner takes from the other’s plate all that might feel immediately unmanageable.
The nature of what we carry for our partner matters little.
For me, what is important is that a weight is lifted.
Think of it like the adage, “the straw that broke the camel’s back” except in reverse.
If you’ve ever struggled with mental health, you’ll understand how relieving it can be to have any perceived roadblocks and barriers removed from one’s path.
The height of a hurdle can seem insurmountable when you already feel like you’re scaling a mountain.
In a way, it is to reduce the level of resistance, as much as is possible, so that your partner can to take their next step forward.
This is no easy thing.
It’s natural to think about the idea of fairness, of who does ‘more’ for the other.
Again, what is difficult for one person may not be perceived the same way for another.
I feel that as long as each are actively lightening each other’s loads where appropriate, to the best of their abilities, then it matters little how they go about achieving it.
A partner, I feel, understands how inherently difficult life can be.
All that can be asked is that you are supported enough so that you are given the opportunity to experience life in a peaceful way, in turn, having the capacity to do the same for another.
Until next time, peace.
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